Airline Jokes
One day at a busy airport, the passengers
on a commercial airline are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew
to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and
begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear
to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and
left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a
guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At
first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some
sort of practical joke.
However, after a few minutes, the engines start revving and the
airplane starts moving down the the runway. The passengers look
at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves
and looking desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin
to panic. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer
and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more
and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20
feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the
shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment
the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief, and turns
to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers are
going to get used to us flying this thing, not scream and then we'll
be screwed!"
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There
may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this aircraft..."
Pilot says: "Folks, we have reached our cruising
altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel
free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane
till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings
it affects the flight pattern."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta
Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as
much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa,
big fella. WHOA!"
United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen,
as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle.
From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying
with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead
bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during
our so called "touch down."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome
aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert
the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like
every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of
a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your
mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two
small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with
some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we
arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money,
more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation
and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them
with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure
to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children
or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
From the pilot during his welcome message: "We
are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at
the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks
for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing,
he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten
off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am,"
said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said,
"Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix,
the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought
the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once
the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to
the terminal."
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And,
the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the
skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here
at US Airways."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the
final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After
an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and
announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain
taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
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